Bringing god to the masses

What do you think: biting social commentary, or a joke taken too far?

Movie Review: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

Last night we watched the first Tomb Raider movie (yes, they apparently made a sequel), and I have to say that it is almost everything I expected. The almost lies in the fact that they didn't pay nearly as much attention to Angelina Jolie's breasts as one might have expected them to. But I get ahead of myself.

Some time in the mid 90's, Core Design created a brilliant game starring Lara Croft, the female version of Indiana Jones, sans whip, and plus guns. As I noted, the first game was brilliant (at least what I played of it) with great (for the time) visuals, fun game play, clever puzzles, and the occasional pistol-whipping of random animals like killer bears and wolves and stuff.

The following games - as my impression lies - became less and less about puzzles and more and more about shooting things and, yes, Lara's breasts. Hence the eventual nickname adopted for the series: Boob Raider.

Apon hearing about the original Tomb Raider movie several years ago, my friends and I never questioned that there would be two stars: Angelina's right and left breasts. And as such, attempting to at least give the impression of not being wholly driven by sexual urges, we never went to see it.

So when my wife checked it out of the library last night, I figured it might actually be fun to watch. I mean, Angelina Jolie isn't actually a bad actress, for all that she tends to get cast for her looks.

I have to say that the movie has everything that such a movie should have: reasonably bad acting, cheesy dialog, obviously fake stunts, excessive special effects, crazy gadgets, magical talismans (talismen?), a sappy attempt to make the main character 'deep', and lots of stuff getting destroyed. In fact, I would say that rather than the stars being various anatomical tidbits, the real star of the show was Angelina Jolie's ability to keep a straight face. You could probably make a drinking game out of it: Any time Lara smirks when someone destroys something, take a drink; no, that would be excessive...

This movie has nothing to recommend it unless you are looking for a good kampy romp co-starring Daniel Craig (the most recent James Bond) with a really bad American accent. Also, bear in mind that it may promote destructive tendencies, since Lara apparently has a hard time not destroying anything she touches.

I give this movie 3 Cheeses, since it really can't qualify for a Sneeze rating, either positive or negative.

Oh, and in case you're wondering: Yes, the shorts + holsters do look as dorky in real life as they did in the game.

The Sneeze Rating

Since it is a known fact that every blogger is required to have opinions and rate various things, concepts, and (especially) movies, I have decided to follow in the vein of the Unbridled Warhorse and make up my own rating system.

Thus, I give you the SRS - Sneeze Rating System:

As we all know, sneezing releases endorphins and creates happy, tingly feelings. As such, I have created my rating system based on said endorphins and tingly feelings. Here are the ratings:

3 Sneezes - Heart stoppingly, ecstatically wonderful (like sex!)
2 Sneezes - Pretty darn good; think free (good) beer*, or an afternoon nap
1 Sneeze - Not too shabby; winning a board game, or finding a dollar bill on the ground*
0 Sneezes - Meh; cold frenchfries
-1 Sneeze - Bummer; Having to work the weekend (even if you are getting paid overtime)
-2 Sneezes - Ugh; Staff meetings** and going to the dentist
-3 Sneezes - Boooooooo!; Breaking a bone, or throwing your back out on the day before Thanksgiving

I will also occasionally refer to things as rating a 'Blue Nostrils' or a 'Sneeze Teeze'. These are equivalent to -3 Sneezes, and refer to those times when you almost sneeze, but then don't.

* Yes, I would rate free good beer over finding a dollar bill.
** Unless you have your Nintendo DS and the opportunity to play it. This adds 2 sneezes to any neutral or negative event.

Braindead Thursday: The Urinal Chat

Most guys instinctively know about Urinal Etiquette:

1. You never talk to another man when he's peeing
   
2. If you do, it is limitted to such things as, "Hey," or, "How's it going,"* (Note:NEVER "How's it hanging?") or, "What's up."*
   
3. If you for some reason feel the need to carry on something approaching an actual conversation, you do not - under any circumstances - look at the other person while you are both standing there "hangin' out".
   
4. These rules apply doubly for anyone who is in a stall. The walls are there for a reason.
   

Now, sometimes these rules can be broken or bent a little bit if the person standing next to you is a close acquaintance (family member, child's god-parent, next of kin, etc.), or someone with whom you were already carrying on a conversation when you entered the restroom. Say, for example, a co-worker when you are both on the way back from a meeting.

But occasionally, one encouters that strange gentleman (at least we will assume he is usually considered a gentleman, for the sake of charity) who apparently grew up in another country, and will feel the need not only to converse over a nice pee, but will do it with full testic-- er...gesticulation, and while attempting to maintain eye contact.

I ask you, what is a polite fellow to do in a situation like that?

* Note that these are statements, not questions.

Brain-Dead Thursday: The Car?

You can tell it's brain-dead Thursday. How can you tell? Well, I'll tell you:

I had a doctor's appointment today, which meant missing work for a couple hours, but (aside from having to get a tetanus shot since it's been about 9 years) everything went pretty well, and it gave my computer a chance to reinstall Windows while I was gone.

Tonight being Thursday, we were due to go over to Mom's for Survivor.

As I walked into the driveway, I looked up and thought, "Huh, the car's gone. I wonder where Jessica is." And then I thought, "No wait..." and then I thought, "I had the car at work today."

So we walked to Mom's tonight, and then borrowed her car to go pick up ours from work.