Movie Review: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

Last night we watched the first Tomb Raider movie (yes, they apparently made a sequel), and I have to say that it is almost everything I expected. The almost lies in the fact that they didn't pay nearly as much attention to Angelina Jolie's breasts as one might have expected them to. But I get ahead of myself.

Some time in the mid 90's, Core Design created a brilliant game starring Lara Croft, the female version of Indiana Jones, sans whip, and plus guns. As I noted, the first game was brilliant (at least what I played of it) with great (for the time) visuals, fun game play, clever puzzles, and the occasional pistol-whipping of random animals like killer bears and wolves and stuff.

The following games - as my impression lies - became less and less about puzzles and more and more about shooting things and, yes, Lara's breasts. Hence the eventual nickname adopted for the series: Boob Raider.

Apon hearing about the original Tomb Raider movie several years ago, my friends and I never questioned that there would be two stars: Angelina's right and left breasts. And as such, attempting to at least give the impression of not being wholly driven by sexual urges, we never went to see it.

So when my wife checked it out of the library last night, I figured it might actually be fun to watch. I mean, Angelina Jolie isn't actually a bad actress, for all that she tends to get cast for her looks.

I have to say that the movie has everything that such a movie should have: reasonably bad acting, cheesy dialog, obviously fake stunts, excessive special effects, crazy gadgets, magical talismans (talismen?), a sappy attempt to make the main character 'deep', and lots of stuff getting destroyed. In fact, I would say that rather than the stars being various anatomical tidbits, the real star of the show was Angelina Jolie's ability to keep a straight face. You could probably make a drinking game out of it: Any time Lara smirks when someone destroys something, take a drink; no, that would be excessive...

This movie has nothing to recommend it unless you are looking for a good kampy romp co-starring Daniel Craig (the most recent James Bond) with a really bad American accent. Also, bear in mind that it may promote destructive tendencies, since Lara apparently has a hard time not destroying anything she touches.

I give this movie 3 Cheeses, since it really can't qualify for a Sneeze rating, either positive or negative.

Oh, and in case you're wondering: Yes, the shorts + holsters do look as dorky in real life as they did in the game.