Braindead Thursday: The Urinal Chat

Most guys instinctively know about Urinal Etiquette:

1. You never talk to another man when he's peeing
   
2. If you do, it is limitted to such things as, "Hey," or, "How's it going,"* (Note:NEVER "How's it hanging?") or, "What's up."*
   
3. If you for some reason feel the need to carry on something approaching an actual conversation, you do not - under any circumstances - look at the other person while you are both standing there "hangin' out".
   
4. These rules apply doubly for anyone who is in a stall. The walls are there for a reason.
   

Now, sometimes these rules can be broken or bent a little bit if the person standing next to you is a close acquaintance (family member, child's god-parent, next of kin, etc.), or someone with whom you were already carrying on a conversation when you entered the restroom. Say, for example, a co-worker when you are both on the way back from a meeting.

But occasionally, one encouters that strange gentleman (at least we will assume he is usually considered a gentleman, for the sake of charity) who apparently grew up in another country, and will feel the need not only to converse over a nice pee, but will do it with full testic-- er...gesticulation, and while attempting to maintain eye contact.

I ask you, what is a polite fellow to do in a situation like that?

* Note that these are statements, not questions.

Random Acts of Friday: Sickity Doo Dah

And by Doo Dah, I mean doo doo.

Why is that the times when you're sick are also the times when you get the most bowelular grumpies? You would think that your body would figure it out: "Hey, every time I stand up, I want to pass out. Maybe I should turn the juice down on the ol' processing plant downstairs." But no, the reverse seems to be true. "Hey, things are going nuts! Let's see how many times we can get this poor guy to stagger into the bathroom for the world's most urgent, but least productive job ever!"

Stupid bowels. Maybe we should all get astronaut toilets installed in our beds for when we're sick.

Come to think of it, that would be pretty handy for those times in the middle of the night when you're dead tired but can't sleep because you have to pee. You know, the times when you can't quite convince yourself to get out of bed, and you keep hoping that you can ignore your swelling bladder long enough to fall back to sleep, but every time you get close, the fear of waking up in a puddle stops you, so eventually you stagger out of bed and get it over with.

Those are almost as bad as waking up half an hour before your alarm because you have to pee, and knowing that if you could just fall back to sleep, you would be fine until the alarm goes off, but if you get up and get it over with, you'll never get back to sleep and you'll miss out on those last thirty blissful, dopamine-drenched minutes.

Fumes

You know you haven't been drinking enough water when you go to pee, and the smell of your own urine makes you want to pull your shirt up over your nose.

It's almost as bad as stepping up to a urinal and finding that the previous user didn't flush. Nothing quite like having to pre-flush and still getting to soak in someone else's pee-fumes while you try to hold your breath for the duration of your pee. Invariably, this will occur when you haven't peed in about 3 hours, so the duration of your stay is at the longer end of the spectrum.